Settled yet not

goose

First off, I’d like to say something that anyone who has owned geese already knows. I have found that owning geese is like being surrounded by a bunch of middle schoolers. Geese will find whatever they perceive as a physical imperfection about your body and then literally pick at it repeatedly until you go crazy. That being said, I’m really loving being a goose owner. Living and learning.

Living and learning

I have not seen my father for two weeks. It was not a conscious decision. I never decided not to visit my dad. There has been no concerted effort not to be there. I have never said to myself, “I’m not going to go today.” I have struggled with the guilt of whatever break this is that I’m doing. I can’t explain it. I have thought about why. It is hard to imagine that one could be so selfish after so much time spent day in-day out, monitoring his care. It is impossible to believe that someone could just not be there, especially when he is so close yet so alone. I can’t explain it, but I have tried to figure it out. The easy answer is that I am selfish. (The easiest answer is “Just GO.”)

Ultimately, my heart is completely broken over my dad’s situation. I am buoyed slightly because the neuro consult advised that my dad be placed on Parkinson’s medication, which may actually help my dad’s swallowing and muscle tone. If he responds to the medication, he could potentially be able to swallow successfully, thus be able to finally be able to drink and eat via mouth for the first time since January 12th of this year. This recommendation came after I got back from my trip, and I was able to accompany my dad to the appointment. The doctor said that it would take 1-2 months to take effect. I was disappointed that I didn’t see more of an improvement in my dad after being out of the country. His voice was a little stronger. That was something.

Maybe I am hoping that with some distance, my dad can rely more on himself. He truly relies on me, to the point where he will ask me to do things that I’ve been told by his friends and nursing staff that he does regularly on his own. This is a bad time for tough love, probably. I don’t know. It is hard when you arrive on Fathers’ Day and he asks, “Where have you been?” Or answering his same questions about why he can’t have a hamburger. Or come to our house. I don’t blame him for that, but it is hard. That is the tough, real answer to all of this. I have not been because it is fucking hard. It’s not an excuse. I need to tough it out. It is just really, really hard. It was easier to go back to work. I have completely enjoyed reconnecting with my work friends and all of the animals. The outpouring of welcomes and support has been overwhelming to the point of tears. It is nice to feel almost normal again, and see that I can again be a contributing member of my zoo unit.

I need to get back to see my dad. The strength that I had earlier in the year is in there somewhere.

 

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

Cognizance

We empower You

The Crafty Afro

Faith, Family and My Craft Corner

Rose Reads Novels

Book reviews

Cauldrons and Cupcakes

Celebrating Life, Spirituality, Creativity and Kindness!

My Adventures In Farm Life

I got this! I think.

One Girl and Her Cows

The ramblings of a farm-bound girl

Midnight Calico Farm

One Family's Journey into Farm Life

A Farm Girl's Life

Photography, Artsy Things, and Life on the Farm

Alfitude

Ten Years Of Music Discovery | The Finest Emerging New Talent From The UK, USA & Scandinavia

Literary Hub

The best of the literary web

unbolt me

the literary asylum

Retired? No one told me!

Tonight I Dream. Tomorrow I Do!

Day by Day the Farm Girl Way...

Simple life on a little piece of land.

Roadkill Crossing

Writing generated from the rural life

American Soustannie

Never let the facts spoil a good story

Amelia in Hull

Life on the edge of the Humber

LondonEats

Adventures in a South London kitchen and musings on all things edible in this great city and beyond

Mark Deeble

A wildlife filmmaker in Africa

%d bloggers like this: